This blog is about my doula life, a diary of my journey working with mothers in the fourth trimester, as well as how my role as a mother has changed and my reflections of how I am growing as a doula and in motherhood.
 You yawn widely, stretching your body out along the length of the bed. It feels lighter and rested. There is no alarm to wake you, no baby crying, no kids jumping on you, just the natural body clock, working in tune with an earlier dawn. You snuggle deeper under the duvet, revelling in the indulgence of no rush, knowing that when you are ready to sit up, swing your legs over the side of the bed, stand tall and take the first step into your day, it will be slowly, with ease and softness. There is anticipation simmering, an excitement for what this day might bring, a sense of knowing, an energy that good things are coming, that plans will be coming to fruition, seeds planted will be shooting and contentment growing. You open your eyes, natural light blinding you and greet this new day. This is Spring! ‘Metaphorically, this is when we’re getting out of bed and getting our day started’, says Erin Bruce, whose online Wheel Of The Year course is guiding me beautifully through the changing energies of the seasons, new moon and full moon vibes, connecting me with a deeper understanding of how these cycles of nature can nourish and nurture, with ritual suggestions, journal prompts and meditations. ‘These plans we’re making are the seeds we’re planting for the growth season ahead. What do you want to grow in your life this year?’ She asks. Ive been dwelling on this a lot. As the last full moon of winter waxed into wholeness on the 7th March, I lay my favourite rose quartz crystal out to re charge, despite steadily freezing temperatures, and woke in the morning to see that she had surrendered to Winters last hoorah; gardens and roads covered by snow from gluttonous clouds, carpeting a large proportion of the country in a thick white blanket of ice. I wanted to grow more balance and a slightly slower pace and the universe heard! With this deluge, came a magical respite from the customary grey and rainy landscape that have made this March rather wet and soggy. Mother Nature living her best life, donning a cloak of sparkling purity, providing a blank canvas to paint with deep footprints, sledge stripes, snowmen and snow-angels, littering gardens, fields and playgrounds for miles around. An excuse for a slower start, the safety and caution cards played to the max (at least by the kids!) There is satisfaction in having had a snow day, a true winter fix, much to the disgust of the somewhat braver daffodils who had bloomed just before the snap and whose attempted retreat resulted in being totally overpowered, lying wearily across the edge of my driveway, like exhausted soldiers after battle. In this months edition of Breathe Magazine, Jade Beecroft writes about the magic of the daffodil, ‘The cheery trumpet shaped flowers are some of the first to emerge after a cold dark winter. They give people hope that warmer days and new beginnings are to come’. The birth flower of March has nearly seven hundred varieties, symbolising good fortune, light and growth across many cultures, and with charities using them in logos and as badges, they are suitably associated with hope and resilience. The cold temperatures played tag with milder ones well into the month, making me realise how our seasons are becoming just as vague and inconsistent, as many have feared, owing, in part, to climate change, and with wetter winters and hotter summers, there is an apparent discombobulation with regards to the in-between seasons of Spring and Autumn, as if Mother Nature is being indecisive, taking longer to decide on whether to blow hot or cold for each one. Similiar to some of my clients’ babies, reaching developmental stages where there is a novel perplexity in what they want. As they pass the three month mark, awareness and engagement are growing with a fine line between being over tired and stimulated. There can be furious periods of screaming as baby longs to sleep, feeding wont suffice but they still need mum to help calm and pacify with constant jiggling and tapping, a heavier baby to wear requiring a review of baby carriers, or daily walks with the pushchair, before they surrender to sleep. There has been continuing play with different feeding positions and baby wearing, but as FOMO kicks in, baby finds their strength, in thier back, neck and legs, occasionally pushing off mums tummy. Others, experiencing sleep regression, exhausted parents hauling themselves through long relentless nights, wishing for dawn when support may arrive, like a rain soaked fairy godmother, all these spectrums of change mirroring nature yet again, as Kirsty Gallagher agrees in her new book ‘Sacred Seasons’, ‘Our ancestors would have used the spring equinox to mark the return of the sun after a long, dark winter. It was a celebration of rebirth, life and growth, holding the promise of new beginnings, as everything in nature started to come back to life.’ Day and night are briefly equal in length, playing out as an improved sense of balance in my own work life ratio. A couple of clients needing less sessions, one feeling ready to fly completely solo, fully soaking up the spring energy, embracing new starts and awakening as the amazing mother she is! A new beginning for me, opening windows to focus on new clients, creativity and my own care. I can feel the clean, fresh air on my face both metaphorically and physically! With those clients due in April, there is a focus on postnatal planning, using spring themes to mark their own new starts, new life, taking positive energy into the postpartum phase of recovery. Resourceful connections are being made, not just with clients, new friendships and courses but with ourselves, the annual celebration of Mothers Day, directing a focus on all mothers, whether biological or maternal, young or old, alive or passed, those wishing to be and those who have lost yet will always be. The idea has drastically morphed from the middle ages when those who had moved away from home, returned to visit family and their ‘mother’ churches on the fourth Sunday of the festival of Lent. Today, thanks to marketing and advertising, it is an excuse for every ‘mother’ in the country to refute any normal household duties, demanding breakfast in bed or lunch with the whole extended family while patting herself on the back for keeping her little sweethearts alive! Never mind the kids, keeping ourselves alive and well has very much been a theme of March, with continuing focus on self care. In contrast to February’s self love and respect, this month has been about exploring manageable, realistic forms of self nurturing. At the springtime doula cuddle (get together) I hosted for local doulas and birth workers, Louise Hoffmann Brookes from Parenting Success, spoke perceptively about how we should get curious about not only our children’s behaviour and triggers, but more importantly, our own. We need to get curious, not furious! This resonated on many levels as we discussed and explored the pressures of motherhood, work, expectations and time. It was an opportunity to validate our needs, discussing ways to show ourselves physical, emotional and cognitive self care, not just by taking baths or getting nails done, but by expressing ourselves honestly; openly crying, verbalising our needs with those we love, recognising how guilt is manifesting itself, talking to other women, trusting ourselves, as well as getting quiet, and delegating to free up precious time for processing. On a personal level, I admit I have needed to emotionally lean on my doula friends recently, as I had my own confidence wobble. Chatting through concerns and frustrations with those who work in the same field is vital. Often working independently, it is important to consciously carve out time, seek those doulas we connect with and have like minded colleagues to reassure, encourage and support us, helping make sense of things and gain clarity. It has been invaluable and really productive, enabling me to recognise the positives, identify ways to grow, tweak my services and assert boundaries. Realising the importance of debriefing as we finish with clients, reflecting on our experiences supporting couples, families and being a sounding board for each other is doula’ing the doula and this is just as important as doula’ing new parents! Spring vibes are whispering for us to step back into our power, listen to our intuition as we become more active and maintain a balance between the feminine energy of turning inwards, as nature moves into a more masculine energy of do-ing. I have been sharing affirmation cards with my mums, offering important reassurance through any confidence struggles and changes in pace, such as; ‘I am moving forward with ease and purpose’ ‘I am the best Mother for my baby’ ‘I am welcoming new beginnings into my life’ ‘I am receiving all good things’ My work this month has felt in tune with clients’ changing needs and expectations, recognising any fluctuations in the equilibrium, keeping the dialogue open, asking questions and getting curious, as they notice more developmental changes in their babies, as well as themselves. These little humans are getting stronger, becoming more active as they grow, more awake and engaged. Scars are healing, hormones settling, feeding is more established and new patterns might be emerging in babies day, behaviours changing; like separation anxiety, amounts of daily and nightly feeds, all affecting different rhythms and how the day flows. Menu plans have phased into lighter meals, as the freezer groans with previously made hearty stews and casseroles, a never ending supply of nourishment. Giant couscous and roasted mediterranean veg, fresh courgette and pea soup, chicken broth with lemon and apple cider vinegar, stored in the wonder that is ‘pour and store’ bags from Lakeland! Just as the seasons are in constant flux, so is motherhood and its nutritional menu! This has applied to my health too, with another routine PET scan this week, just as Doula UK released a podcast I was involved with. A while ago Leila Baker, Head of membership and one of the directors of Doula UK, got in touch to ask if I would like to chat to her about my experience with motherhood and cancer. Opening up this conversation is something I am passionate about and raising awareness of families going through cancer diagnosis’s while pregnant or in the postpartum period, is becoming more relevant as the age of a diagnosis gets younger and the age of first time mothers gets older. The type of support needed for this unique group of parents is growing, but its still not enough. World Doula Week this month, used the theme of Then and Now, encouraging all doulas to talk about their journeys to this work. Both the podcast and this, gave me another opportunity to reflect on how much I struggled in my own postnatal period, with breast feeding, fatigue, fear of recurrence, body image and anxiety and how this brought me to doula’ing and drives me to support women processing any adversity. Listening back to it (which I hate, who likes listening to their own voice?!) I was reminded how far I have come, tuning me into the seasonal theme of ‘starting over’. This is as much, if not more, of a new year than January, as nature reflects new starts as life blossoms around us. I feel proud of my story, who it has made me and all it has taught me. I took the plunge and got my first (and only!) tattoo this month too, joining #teamlighteningbolt, for anyone to remind themselves of their bravery facing something that has tested their strength and determination. At my forty something years, I decided if I was going to do something that might resemble a very mild mid life crisis, this would be it! I do surprise myself sometimes!! Next month I will be supporting a client through hypnobirthing course with the wonderful Sarah Doman. Due to a second pregnancy with hyperemesis gravidarum, this antenatal space to process how far they have come, while navigating the emotional roller coaster and all it brings, is an opportunity to fully embrace the third trimester, considering the birth and optimum postnatal periods. We have started mindful relaxation exercises, using brilliant scripts from Anna Le Grange’s Mindful Breastfeeding course, that I did during lockdown, as well as using my Doula Deck by Lori Bregman, with brilliant prompts for calm and connecting practices, affirmations and visualisations during pregnancy, birth and postpartum. I am excited to watch as the seeds she plants, during this time of pregnancy, will reach for the sun and bask in its warmth in a few months time, flanked by her steadfast bespoke ‘mummy tribe’. Rebecca Robinson, an author and meditation teacher sent her new and updated newsletter this month, suitably quoting the old proverb ‘March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb’. Let this be a reminder to us all, to strive for a balance of courage and gentility, spirit and modesty as we grow into April and all its abundance. As William Wordsworth conveys as he finishes his lament to the daffodil; ‘For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.' Good things are coming and there is lots to look forward to! March Recipes I have been cooking; Giant couscous with mixed roasted mediterranean veg (my own made up. Keep an eye on the recipe on my Instagram stories!) Salmon and pesto parcels (as above!) Pea, courgette and chilli soup (The Happy Kitchen) Earl Grey bundt cake Marmalade and carrot cake (from Sainsburys magazine) Vegan chocolate cookies (The Modern Baker) March Playlists & meditations I have been listening to; Wheel of The Year meditations: Ostara/Spring Equinox by Sarah Robinson on Insight Timer app New Moon Zodiac minis-Virgo by Sarah Robinson on Insight Timer app Spring Equinox / New Moon” Rebirth and Transformation by Violet Flame on Insight Timer app Full Moon Magic playlist on Spotify Go Your Own Way album by Fleetwood Mac Gracelands by Paul Simon March Reading; Enchantment by Katherine May (on audible) Sacred Seasons by Kirtsy Gallagher Simple Things Magazine ‘Stir’ April edition Wheel Of The Year by Erin Bruce, online course ‘I wandered lonely as a cloud’ poem by William Wordsworth
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DOULA DIARY
Entry 1 - Baby Steps It is still staring at me. That purple folder, its shiny cover glistening in the morning sun, sitting on my kitchen table beside my laptop. It is as if it is the geeky sidekick to the evil laptop monster and the pile of books to the left of them, a towering building block, needing to be obliterated by this unlikely pair. I was doing so well! I had nailed the first four questions but now the fifth and final essay beckoned and I could not focus. Was this what writers block felt like? The two year deadline was ticking, so unlike me. At school I would have had this done months ago! If it wasn’t for my sister none of this would have happened (I love her really!) When my little sister announced she was pregnant with her third child. and her husband was working abroad, in a vague attempt to cling onto any scrap of oxytocin and be the supportive big sister, I offered to be her birthing partner. After having a doula for her two previous births, I am sure I can offer her that more familiar support alongside the doula and lets face it, she needs me! On that July day, she calls to say the labour pains have started. After leaving a local barbie and flinging some necessary things into a bag (is a book necessary or just wishful thinking?!) I arrive at her house and we travel to the hospital. Upon arrival it is clear she is further along than she thought and as we settle into her labour room, the most calm, smiley angel breezes in and suddenly all is right in the world. I am immediately relaxed (I will admit I was feeling slightly powerless before this point!) Zara tends to my sister and I can see her body soften and her breathing ease, before the next contraction. She is begging us to get her the doctor to administer an aneasthetic. As the aneasetis arrives behind her, her face tells me another strong contraction is on the way and the only male in the room makes a hasty retreat. She leans forward on me and I simply hold her weight while Zara rubs the bottom of her back slowly. I have never truly looked into my sisters eyes the way I did during those couple of hours. As she and I knelt, facing each other, on opposite sides of the bed and she griped my hands in pain, there were no words, just a look. A meaningful, loving and supportive look (she had already told me to shut up a few moments earlier, in a not so tender loving way but thats totally normal, right?!) I let her dig her nails in and I saw a woman surrendering to such a natural and instinctive process that was so much bigger than me, than anything, and I had no choice but to surrender with her. A few moments later and the power and might of women holds us all; my sister, her baby daughter, Zara, the midwife and me, all sitting on the floor together catching our breath and gazing at this little creature. Wow. I was not expecting that. After being asked to cut her cord, I call her daddy in China and tell him the news. The emotion is palpable and I feel honoured to have had these moments with my sister. I am given my new niece to hold while Zara supports my sister as she is examined by the nurses and in that moment, having had a child myself (but a c section - its a longer story than this!) I am lost in thoughts of who this little girl will become, what adventures await her and what a privilege it will be to watch her grow. There were a million physical and emotional connections made that evening in that hospital room. It was like an electrical thunderstorm. The bond between my sister and I was deepened and the bond between myself and baby Ava was born, but the click I had with Zara was amazing. Between contractions, she and I had chatted and worked seamlessly as a team. Having never met her before, this seemed totally alien to me but I was blown away by the ease and the love that we both brought to the table. As we snuck away from the ward towards the car park in the wee small hours, leaving my sister and baby resting, Zara told me I was a natural and that I was everything a doula should be. Surely, that was just because it was my sister (and a text book birth, I mean!) but no, I had definitely stumbled on something akin to oxytocin and it was cruising around my body at 1am making me feel more alive than ever. A year later, I was sitting in Zara’s lounge with five other amazing ladies, on the Developing Doula course. This is a weeks course, in the hosts home, where we work through role plays, group discussions, worksheets and literature, all about what being a doula really involves. I loved every minute. One year and nine months later, I am sitting in that same lounge, with Zara, handing her my coursework. I have sweated blood and tears and written to my hearts content, even including drawings from my seven year old, of what she thinks a doula is (she had been prepped before you imagine hairdressers and princesses!) I thought that would be a nice touch, to include a child’s point of view since this is what we are helping to bring into the world! A week or two later, I am lying in my own hospital bed after having a full hysterectomy and my ovaries removed. Yup, this was indeed the beginning of a new chapter! It was a breakthrough on so many levels. Five months beforehand, I had been staring at that purple folder feeling like I was under the blackest cloud. The side effects of one of my maintenance drugs was disrupting my hormone levels to such an extent that I found myself falling down another mild hole of depression. After meeting with my consultant and then a hormone specialist, the decision that I had been putting off for, well, about six years, was made. Making it has been the biggest relief but my fertility has been the biggest fall out, for me, of my cancer journey. While on the doula course, we were asked to explain why we wanted to do the course. My reason was simple. I wanted to turn a negative into a positive, I knew it wouldn't be my sister and it wouldn't be my niece and it would be a very different experience helping someone I didn't know so well, but I felt it was something I had to do. For the last question of my coursework I had chosen to focus on the topic of post natal depression. This is an area I feel passionately about and I wanted to learn more. I had found it easy enough talking to friends and contacts for research but putting it altogether and reading, felt like the most monumental effort. Well Duh! Of course it would be, since so much of my situation was contributing to the hole I was falling down! As soon as the decision was made, the writing block crumbled and the words flowed again like the longest exhale and release of breath. Knowing that I only had a few weeks before the op was the perfect deadline and I wanted to get it finished before I went in. It's funny how once you set a goal like that and every fibre of your being knows it is the right thing, things just fall into place. After my op, the relief was immense. There were no more loose ends anymore (Metaphorically of course!) and I felt like I could truly move on. Starting my mentored doula work was the new focus I needed and I feel so much stronger now, emotionally and mentally. There is a time for everything and everything is part of a process. MummaBaby Space is my new chapter. A space to compliment my Samspaces work and another safe space for any new mother and especially those affected pre, during or post baby, with cancer or chronic illness. Finding and meeting my mentor has been a wonderful way of learning more about this new role. It was important for me to have a local mentor, and not being able to have Zara as she had run my course, meant I needed to chose carefully! Plus, Zara practically laid on my own personal networking event when she organised a Bumps, Babies and Births fair at our local village hall. It is daunting. I will admit walking into that fair itself, only knowing one person, was scary. Surprise surprise though, everyone was so kind and friendly (what else would you expect from a gaggle of doulas Sam?!) and as I chatted and browsed, it felt as if a light had been switched on. It felt like such a natural progression for me and one that I can add to as and when my own daughter becomes more independent. So here I am. Starting slowly, with baby steps, as a mentored post natal doula . As I gaze along this wide, open road, there are acres of space. Space for learning, growing and building. Developing a mummy and baby space for bonding, nurturing and nourishing and an opportunity to offer a service that some may consider the first step to motherhood. If I can create half the atmosphere that was pumping through my sisters birthing room, that day, I will be happy. Zara is an incredible role model, the network is amazing and my mentor is supportive and kind. The road before this point, has certainly been bumpy, but the space I am in now is exciting and just waiting to be filled with mummas and babies! |
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May 2023
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